The Mysterious Gift of Illness

Andrea Avari Stevens, Ph.D. 

Much has been written on the subject of illness as a pathway to finding a deeper spirituality but I have chosen not to read most of it.  I prefer to think of myself as healthy and not needing to explore that area of growth but the universe had something else in store for me. 

One day I was fine, the next minute my brain was reeling and my eyes were seeing chopped-up versions of Picasso-like paintings revolving in front of me.  Nothing had hit me in the head, I didn’t fall down.  All I did was turn my head from one side of the pillow to the other side to look out the window to see if the sun was shining.   I tried to shut my eyes and grab my head but neither idea served any benefit.  Shaking and sweating profusely, I didn’t purposefully move a muscle anywhere in my body as the visualizations slowly settled down.  It took about an hour.  I decided to get up as though leaving the scene of the crime would be helpful to me.  Another attack hit my brain with the same intensity.  I kept my eyes open this time for a sense of grounding but I was helplessly spun with forces beyond my control as though on a carnival ride.  

With what remained of my left brain, I tried to figure out what had happened.  I couldn’t  think very well in a logical way; a brain fog had settled in very deeply into the rational side of my brain.  In the next few days I could see that my speech was creative in that in my mind I knew what I wanted to say but my brain took one syllable from each word and threw them into a blender.  The result was an abbreviated word that represented a full sentence.  It actually seemed quite efficient and thrifty and although some listeners could decipher my meaning, I had to learn to speak more slowly.  

At first I could only walk holding onto the walls nearby; slowly I found more balance and walked shakily to my destinations.  The accompanying nausea was deep and long-lasting.  I couldn’t turn my head at all and even moving my eyes upset my equilibrium.  I didn’t want to draw attention to myself more than necessary so I learned, as so many people with disabilities learn, to hide the more obvious signs of my distress. 

The doctors couldn’t figure it out.  My brain and body flunked the balancing tests they gave to me but the MRI showed no damage.  Fuzzily, I couldn’t figure out if that was a good thing or not.   Finally it was decided that a virus had attacked a portion of my brain stem.  And there was no cure.  The prognosis was unknown; time would tell the possibility of moving from one plateau to another or not. 

Since I had been working a spiritual path for a number of years, one of my first thoughts was to ask the universe why they had taken my left brain to such a degree.  There seemed to be no answer.  And then one day I looked out the window and I saw the trees, the mountains, the glaciers, and the people walking down the street all shift into one energy.  I remember calling it “Godland.”  Tears fell down my cheeks as I felt an incredible feeling of peace settle in and all around me.  My heart felt like it would burst with an electric kind of love.  

As I returned to my job working with people, I noticed that although my short term memory was indeed short, necessitating taking copious notes, I was able to visualize what they were describing about themselves.  I started finishing their sentences and seemed to know and feel what they were about to say.  I frequently found myself apologizing to people for interrupting them.   They responded by asking me how I knew what they were thinking.  Embarrassed, I mumbled something and went on with my questions.  

Over time I became less embarrassed and more appreciative for the gift of insight that seemed to be with me in a much greater degree than I had experienced before.  Whenever  I encounter a lesson from the Universe that appears in my life, I attempt to make the intention to open myself to the experience.  I am not always successful but I know in my heart that there is no right or wrong, good or bad experience; it all just is.  I like to think that all experience is for my growth, to increase my awareness and to open my heart to remembering who I really am.  If I release the judgment that might arise within my mind, I can be open to the gifts of the lessons.  

I will never know all of the gifts of this particular lesson because of my viewpoint as a human on earth.  It is a mystery and I can accept that.  I can see some gifts from this brain virus to me.  I am more aware and more trusting of operating from my intuition that I ever had been before.  I take better care of my body by healthy eating and getting more exercise.  I have a much deeper sense of empathy for people who encounter brain injuries and other disabilities.   

I have less judgment and more compassion for myself.  Now I see how important balance is in my life. Before the illness I would have been able to talk my talk but now I am walking it more.   I am living a much more aware life of taking care of myself physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually every day.  I guess you could say that I don’t take myself for granted as much as I did before this virus came to visit my brain.  And now I know “Godland.”  And I am grateful. 

Copyright 2009.  Andrea is the author of A Hit of Heaven: a soul's journey through illusion.  She and her husband are currently writing a book on relationships together.  

 

 

 

 

  

Everyone as Self

By Andrea Avari Stevens, Ph.D. 

I have had a lesson lately.  It wasn’t an easy one.   I knew that I drew this lesson to me to learn something.  I didn’t really want to learn the lesson but the lesson just kept on knocking on my door.  I picture this door as the door of my soul.  My soul wanted me to grow.  Sometimes I just don’t want to grow but my experiences tell me it is true that whatever I resist does persist. 

The short story is that I felt someone had not been honest with me about a business contract.  It wasn’t just a feeling; it was a verifiable fact.  It was difficult for me to understand why I would draw this to me. Hey, I am a good person.  I am doing my work.  Why should I have to experience this trauma?  Yes, there are times when the ‘victim mentality’ in me just wants to have the stage all to herself. 

On the other hand, I have been studying the concept of compassion more deeply than ever before.  I was struck by Karen Armstrong’s work with compassion.  Karen won the TED $100k prize this year and was able to have one wish granted.  Her wish was to work with others to create a Code of Compassion, just two pages of how compassion can really work in the world.  Armstrong said that compassion means having an understanding with another person…..really understanding, getting your ego out of the way.  It means treating other people as you would want to be treated.  

So I thought I would use that awareness to work with this breach of contract.  I have parts of me that are fragments that are separated from the wholeness that is my soul.  For example, when I think I am not good enough in some situation and I stay in that judgment of myself, the part of me that is judged is fragmented off in pain and separation.  If I want to be free of pain and move into wholeness, it is my responsibility to nurture that wounded part of me with compassion and hold it continuously as a mother holds a fearful child.  It is similar to shining the light into the darkness.  The area is illuminated and the energy is transformed.  

So my wounded parts become integrated one after another, slowly over time.  If I look at the billions of people on this planet I realize that each is a reflection of some facet of me.  The ones that flow seamlessly through my life represent the qualities which I have that are healed.  The people who come jumping up and down into my life with qualities that upset me are simply doing the same thing: reflecting qualities I have in my own personality.  

That is the challenging part; I don’t really like to admit that.  But if I am to grow in my life emotionally, mentally, and spiritually (and if I don’t, it can affect my physical life as well), I can open up to embrace that part of me without judgment.  Using only compassion, I embrace that part with love…with no ifs, ands, or buts about it.  When I embrace that quality in me, I can embrace that same quality in others and vice versa.  

That means I see everyone as self.  Everyone is a mirror of me.  I want to treat them as I would want to be treated….with respect for being a human being with a spark of the Divine within them…...just like me. 

When I am ready to talk or write to that person who breached the contract, I have done my work of holding the emotion in compassion and just sitting with it as the energy transforms.  Sometimes journaling or talking with friends can help prepare me for that holding and nurturing of my emotion.  

And then my understanding can be real.  Is there a way that I can put myself in that person’s shoes and imagine to any degree how they came to choose the action that they did?  If I sit or walk with that idea for a while, most likely a feeling of some understanding washes over me.  And then I ask myself…..how do I sometimes breach contracts, large and small?  Perhaps they are contracts with myself that I rationalize and then move in a different direction contrary to my goals.  When was the last time that I broke a contract, didn’t tell the exact truth, stretched my imagination to justify my actions?  Hmmmmmmmmmm.  

Can I hold that part of me in compassion and forgive it and love it with the fullness of my heart?  And then can I treat the other person with that same feeling.  It doesn’t mean that I do not stand up for myself.  It doesn’t mean that I just forget it.  It also doesn’t mean that I simmer in resentment for a while.  It means that I treat them as I do myself in a healing mode, with respect and understanding while I state my needs and actions to be taken.  It means that how I treat you is how I treat myself because we are one and the same. 

As I heal myself so I create more light in the world.  As each person chooses to heal, each human being illuminates radiating light on those around them.    Eventually, we are all illuminating loving energy, treating ourselves and each other as we all want to be treated.  And all it takes is courage to be compassionate. That means I have to take the time to not react from my head but to allow the space for my heart to expand and link with my mind.   Old times would say that I used to speak with a biting tongue.  I learned it well from a great teacher in my childhood.  But I am not that biting tongue in my inner Self.  I can choose another way.  Now I can write my letter in a way that expresses my limits in a way that is respectful of the other person’s boundaries as well.  And the stress that would normally weigh me down……..evaporates. 

Copyright 2009.  www.andreaavari.com  

The Clock Strikes NOW

By Andrea Avari Stevens, Ph.D. 

Much time and effort can be spent trying to be the NOW.   Being present might be defined as having your complete awareness in a particular moment so that the moment itself is absent.  The idea of being present sounds so easy; however, there are many of us that are experiencing a degree of frustration at hearing so often about being present and feeling that so many times we are not. 

 

What if we are seeking after the effect and not the cause?  What if we are trying so hard to create the effect of the NOW and there is no need to try?  There is no need to seek.  Being in the NOW is simply the effect of living in our highest consciousness.  Well, that is great but how does one do that?  It is like learning to love yourself.  There are many books written about it but rarely does a deeper understanding comes through to the reader. 

 

What we are desiring in our lives is to open the flow of energy.  This vibrational flow is between the personality and our higher consciousness.  Resistance to the flow comes from our unresolved relationships.  If we look deeply enough at any disturbing occurrence in our lives such as a feeling of lack of abundance in any area, it will reflect to us a blockage in a relationship with ourselves.  But we will notice it most clearly in our relationships with others, particularly those with whom we have an emotional charge.

 

We can try to be present in the NOW all we want.  But until we resolve the blockages in our relationships, we are lusting after an effect of something we haven’t realized in our lives.  That effect is the greater awareness of who we truly are at our essence, the process of self-realization.  The physical effects of misusing our emotional, mental and spiritual energies cause imbalances in our bodies and minds, restricting the flow of energy between the personality and the higher consciousness.  We keep putting forth effort to be in the NOW but we will continually fall out into our humanity consciousness until we learn to resolve the blockages in our relationships.  Then we can move out of our habitual focus on the limited sense of our humanity and create the space to live in the infinite qualities of our higher consciousness.

 

How do we learn to live more often in our higher consciousness?  As we resolve the "stuckness" of our relationships, we are able to spend more of our time focusing on the "I" that is the Unified Field of Consciousness.  We are each a droplet of that connected consciousness.  The "I AM", or whatever words work for you, expands when we build our focus on it.  Breathing deeply into that energy that we know so deeply in our hearts in times of silence, expands the higher vibrations.  We can feel it deepening into every cell of ourselves.  Our focus on humanity lessens and finds its proper alignment as the space of higher consciousness expands within us.  When we think we are losing connection (we are always in connection because That is who we are but we tend to think it anyway when fear appears in our minds) we return to our breathing.

 

To live in the NOW, we are being called to explore our stuck places that hold degrees of fearful thoughts.  The global depression we are experiencing in our collective consciousness calls each one of us in a particular way to have the courage to open up our flows.  As we free ourselves of the restrictions, our personality or egos align with our higher consciousness and we realize and remember who we truly are.  The fog clears and the clock strikes the ever present NOW.  There is nothing to seek; we already are that which we have been seeking and that is love. 

 

 

Check out Andrea’s new website at www.andreaavari.com where she is offering new teleclasses on Strengthening Mindfulness.  Andrea is the author of "A Hit of Heaven: a soul's journey through illusion."